The Scully Quotes Archive

My roommate Scully is one of the funniest guys I know. He has a fine-tuned dry wit with impeccable timing. But of course he's too modest to boast this gift, so I'll do it for him! Here are some IM clippings I started to make one night in January 2003. Enjoy!

February 6, 2004:
I was interviewing with Google on February 6, 2004, and looking for support from my friends in my away message...
ScullardMS: don't fuck this one up, shithead!
Auto response from MiPollo: Interviewing with Google. Wish me luck.

February 4, 2004:
I told Scully that my e-mail account gets one spam every week now from some company claiming that they have charged my credit card $149.95 for a month of unlimited child porn; obviously it's an attempt for the person to be raged and click on the link to rectify the situation.
ScullardMS: you managed to order a full month of unlimited child porn for only 149.95?
ScullardMS: damn
ScullardMS: you are the deal maker

January 29, 2004:
MoranteH: can i put the moves on Lawrence?
MoranteH: and if i did importantly...would i get a transformer?
ScullardMS: I think you would get to see the transformers
ScullardMS: not touch them though

January 28, 2004:
ScullardMS: hey the two of us got a shout on on Joe's e-mail
ScullardMS: I guess because we were the drunkest

January 28, 2004:
MiPollo: nigga please
ScullardMS: nigga wut!

January 28, 2004:
ScullardMS: what does the program manager do?
MiPollo: manages programs
ScullardMS: no
ScullardMS: no that's not right
MiPollo: they control/work with dev, test, customers
ScullardMS: no
ScullardMS: that's not right
MiPollo: he delivers pizzas
ScullardMS: better

January 27, 2004:
ScullardMS: one swift kick to the balls lets a man know exactly what you are thinking

January 26, 2004:
MiPollo: I may drop PC basics
ScullardMS: nah drop CS 322
ScullardMS: you'll learn more in pc basics
MiPollo: but 322 is required for graduation
ScullardMS: yo, graduation is for nerds man
ScullardMS: do you want to be a nerd?

January 20 2004:
ScullardMS: you know that by taking an ILR class, a part of your soul dies

December 10 2003:
MoranteH: those math majors baby...nothing turns me on more
ScullardMS: yeah the whole place has gotten a whole lot sexier since I signed up

October 25 2003:
Scully's profile today:
In honor of my newest nephew, I'd like to offer some baby naming tips:

  • Spice up a boring name by adding some X's, or putting "-zilla" on the end.
  • A Native American name can be very noble and beautiful. Try something like BloomingFlower or UrinatingHooker.
  • If you have a goofy last name, such as Maplethorpe, it will be difficult to give your child a first name that will make it seem cool. Try something even goofier, such as Dinglewood.
  • More educated parents tend to pick names from famous literature, while less educated parents use names from Soap Operas. But the coolest parents name their kids after Transformers. Your child will be "More than Meets the Eye."
  • Remember, your child's name does not have to be unique like AIM Screen Names. Instead of Soccor_Dude26, just Soccor_Dude will do.
  • If you are thinking of naming your child Winston Chesterfield III, back the hell off - I called that one.

    August 14:
    ScullardMS: had my last day today
    MiPollo: niiice did they give you a royal sendoff?
    ScullardMS: is that where security escorts you out?
    ScullardMS: because if yes, I did

    July 18:
    MiPollo: yo check this article out on Yahoo
    ScullardMS: I think I saw this, where masturbation lowers the risk of prostate cancer?
    MiPollo: yes
    ScullardMS: good thing I masterbate every hour, on the hour while at work
    ScullardMS: speaking of that it is almost 4

    July 16:
    ScullardMS: what up dogz
    MiPollo: not much dude
    MiPollo: playing with solaris
    ScullardMS: stop fooling around with solaris and get back to work
    ScullardMS: this isn't a playground
    ScullardMS: for playing

    July 8:
    ScullardMS: we saw a great play
    ScullardMS: danny glover was in it
    ScullardMS: he mooned the audience, at one point
    MiPollo: really?
    ScullardMS: yup
    MiPollo: cool
    ScullardMS: not just cool, awesome
    ScullardMS: that sight of that man's ass I mean
    MiPollo: danny glover's ass?
    ScullardMS: hells yeah

    June 30:
    MiPollo: some dude named prasad just Im'd me
    ScullardMS: what did he say
    MiPollo: Hi Mike this is Prasad. IBM Software Group Consultant
    ScullardMS: what the hell
    MiPollo: i heard you installed Portal on linux from Vishy.... do you mind helping me here. I am running into ldap issue
    ScullardMS: what does he want
    MiPollo: that takes a lot of balls
    ScullardMS: can you help him?
    MiPollo: yup im going to try
    ScullardMS: he needs the help
    ScullardMS: it sounds like
    ScullardMS: and not just with ldap
    ScullardMS: I mean he needs a new name

    June 24:
    MiPollo: how is endicott?
    ScullardMS: it is good
    ScullardMS: I'm pretty tired
    MiPollo: were u drinking all night?
    ScullardMS: no all morning

    May 12:
    ScullardMS: she needs to get over it
    ScullardMS: and get into the 20th century
    ScullardMS: this is the 21st isn't it
    ScullardMS: even better

    May 11:
    Scully as a CS major......and Scully after being liberated.

    May 10:
    Scully's away message after finishing his last CS415 project and, consequently, his CS minor.
    I've finished what should be my last CS project and I'd like to give a big FUCK YOU to the following:

    15 hour days in the lab
    entire weekends lost to programming
    big O notation
    heap errors
    invalid pointers
    project descriptions that don't tell you shit
    run-time errors
    shit that doesn't compile
    dan jankins
    grades posted online
    points taken off for style
    problem sets that are issued the day the last one is due
    writing your own test cases
    code from the ta's with bugs in it
    impossible prelims
    tail recursion
    functors (wtf?)
    the fucking jernodas!
    project demos
    ordering food in the lab
    infinite while loops
    minimax w/ alpha beta pruning
    off by 1 errors
    tycoon mismatch
    the preprocessor
    last minute specification changes
    And finally the biggest fuck you: Gun Sirer.

    Apr 28:
    ScullardMS: and heather I don't think will be allowed on the slope
    MiPollo: she can come on, she just cant drink
    ScullardMS: I didn't say because she isn't 21
    MiPollo: ?
    ScullardMS: I mean there is a strict no heather policy this year on hills in general

    Apr 23:
    ScullardMS: and what is websphere
    ScullardMS: computers, what exactly are we dealing with here
    ScullardMS: thanks for answering my question, even if it was through a smartass remark on your profile

    Mar 27:
    MiPollo: are you suggesting ankur is more powerful than the devil?
    ScullardMS: he is the devil

    Mar 26:
    MiPollo: nowhere in NYC has a job for you?
    ScullardMS: no actuarial firms
    ScullardMS: I'm sure I could be a janitor

    Mar 25:
    MiPollo: did you guys booze a lot in the Bahamas?
    ScullardMS: no that was Ankur
    ScullardMS: he started drinking at 4 in the afternoon a few times, by himself
    MiPollo: that's pretty hardcore.
    MiPollo: did you guys do any crazy shit
    ScullardMS: you realize who you are talking to right?
    ScullardMS: so what can we get with lotto number 46
    ScullardMS: I'm assuming you want to room next to lenny grover?
    MiPollo: most definitely

    Mar 13:
    ScullardMS: hey Mike, you back?
    Auto response from MiPollo: schlafen
    ScullardMS: don't give me that shlafen shit

    Mar 11:
    ScullardMS: it is you know, who is talking crazy
    MiPollo: don't you mean "it is you now who is talking crazy" ?
    ScullardMS: no I didn't mean that at all

    Mar 10:
    MoranteH: hey sculls
    MoranteH: how are you doing?
    ScullardMS: hey heather
    ScullardMS: good how about you?
    ScullardMS: Oh yeah, it's Skullz now

    Mar 7:
    MiPollo: yo
    Auto-response from ScullardMS: Lord, I would just like to let you know that I would not complain if Atari sound effects were to go off whenever I jumped, or bounced something against the wall, or ate a power pellet and started chasing ghosts around a maze. Also, I pray for peace on Earth. Amen

    Mar 6:
    MiPollo: ha! france sucks
    ScullardMS: yeah what a piece of shit

    Mar 5:
    MoranteH: I gave mike some of your advice
    MoranteH: MiPollo: my work computer is soooooooooooooo slow.... its painful to try to fix anything in my code since i have to wait like 30 seconds
    MoranteH: you really should ask them for a new computer
    MoranteH: like scully would say
    MoranteH: go apeshit
    MoranteH: MiPollo: hehe
    MoranteH: and start breaking things
    MoranteH: ripping people's arms off
    ScullardMS: haha
    ScullardMS: too bad he won't take it
    ScullardMS: he has always had a problem removing peoples arms

    Mar 4:
    MiPollo: hey
    Auto-response from ScullardMS: I know people are opposed to blood for oil, but what about blood for tasty little debbie snack treats?

    Mar 1:
    Note to readers: Scully's CS partner, Haakon, who we call "H", is a great guy but works Scully like a slave on CS projects:
    MiPollo: I hear H's dad is in town, did you meet him yet
    ScullardMS: yeah he is a very nice guy
    ScullardMS: he made me program for him though
    ScullardMS: he can't pronounce haakon either so he calls him H

    Feb 28:
    MiPollo: what are you doing today, other than jerking off?
    ScullardMS: jerking off takes all day

    Feb 27:
    ScullardMS: I think ankur has nice buttocks

    Feb 27:
    MoranteH: i can't concentrate
    MoranteH: i have no interest in doing work! help!
    ScullardMS: you need discipline!
    MoranteH: you mean, i lack discipline
    ScullardMS: you need it!

    Feb 17:
    MoranteH: Mike is trying to get you to say something funny, be careful
    ScullardMS: he will be sorry he ever messed with me

    Feb 11 - Feb 14:
    Scully's new roommate Kevin NEVER leaves the room. Here are Mike's away messages to dialog his thoughts on the subject:

    Feb 11: I am hoping to seek legal advice, so if anyone can help please tell me. I want to see if there's a way to legally force my roommate to leave the room for more than an hour each day.
    Feb 12: I have received legal advice on the subject of forcing my roommate out for an hour each day, and....[lost]
    Feb 14: My roommate has rejected my new laws and has declared martial law. Damn, martial law sure involves playing a lot of video games and not leaving the room.

    Feb 10: 8:17 PM
    ImpaleherVlad666: scullard!!!
    ScullardMS: hold on
    ImpaleherVlad666: masturbatin i take it
    ScullardMS: hardcore
    ImpaleherVlad666: nice

    Feb 10: 9:01 AM
    MiPollo: Hey Mike I need to find a way to get from Binhamton airport to Ithaca. Do you know what vehicles can take me there?
    ScullardMS: hey I'm not sure what kind of vehicles we are talking about
    ScullardMS: I am a fan of the riding lawnmower myself

    Jan 29: 10:01 PM
    ScullardMS: people have been circulating a page about the olsen twins going to CMU
    MiPollo: yup
    ScullardMS: it said they would be doing computer science
    ScullardMS: why would anyone with a million dollars subject themselves to this shit
    MiPollo: ? what do u mean
    ScullardMS: the cs major
    MiPollo: oh
    ScullardMS: you do it because you hope to make a million dollars
    ScullardMS: not the other way around
    MiPollo: heheh perhaps
    ScullardMS: the rich people are in art history

    Jan 29: 9:52 PM
    ScullardMS: why don't you have a page for heather?
    MiPollo: cuz she doesnt say funny shit on IM
    ScullardMS: just a page of shit she says in real life

    Jan 28: 10:07 PM
    MiPollo: you seen the web page I made for you? people like your quotes
    ScullardMS: I have seen it and I am not pleased

    Jan 23: 9:10 PM
    ScullardMS: I'm going to stop talking to you until you stop quoting me
    MiPollo: LOL
    MiPollo: another one!

    Jan 23: 5:01 PM
    MiPollo: remember that day in 312, the first day, when Myers showed SML is type-safe when "1 < 2.0" returned an error, and you said "Dammit!"
    ScullardMS: I believe the quote was "what a dumbass"
    ScullardMS: i've cataloged everything I said since 1994

    Jan 23: 3:12 PM
    ScullardMS: so how was your snow day?
    MiPollo: good
    ScullardMS: how many snow angles did you make?
    MiPollo: you mean angels?
    ScullardMS: um, snow angles.
    ScullardMS: like isoceles.

    Jan 20:
    MiPollo: I hear your new roommate wants to meet me
    ScullardMS: yeah and kick your ass